When you set out to chase your dream, it starts dramatically with a ticker tape parade and choruses of “You got this!” All of your friends and family are so supportive.  The excitement is palpable.  But then you put that knapsack over your shoulder and you set out on a journey.

As you get closer to your dream, you get farther from your support system. The cheers have died down and the applause is over and you are alone. Utterly alone. The clouds start to build and the terrain gets dicier and the elevation increases dramatically and it becomes hard work to keep taking the steps necessary to accomplish your dream.

You might give up at this stage. Because the excitement has worn off and the summit before you seems insurmountable.

You might obsess over taking the wrong turn, making the wrong decision, and so you might sit at a crossroads and get sucked into the procrastination of doing nothing, because you fear making the wrong decision. So you decide to make no decisions, because you don’t think you can trust yourself.

You might wallow in self pity land. Declaring, “this is hard” and “I hate the process,” and “nothing ever works out for me anyway, so why would this?” “Everyone else has it so much easier.” It’s endless the lies you can tell yourself when you are clubbed between the eyes with a 2×4 of reality.

Or you might suck it up, knowing anything worth having is worth fighting for, that all the things you need will reveal themselves at the exact right time they are needed. That so far the statistics of your ability to survive on little is 100%.

You have to prepare yourself for the loneliness. No one on this earth will understand your journey. No one else will care about the outcome as much as you do. No one else will be as fully invested in the success of this mission and will be willing to go to the lengths you will be asked to go. It will require you to focus and say no to many fun things because the time investment is too great. It will require you make painful decisions on your quality of life in the short term so you have the potential for a long term payoff. You will sacrifice sleep, time with friends, and basic life necessities to finance your dream.

Over time it will wear on you and the self doubt whack-a-mole will pop up. Your job is to continue, to beat that fucker down. And sometimes, at the end of a long day, something will destroy you, and you will ugly cry, by yourself, on the floor of your closet, so your daughter doesn’t see.

Then the next day, you will wash your face and continue. And some day soon, in the not so distant future, the promised land will be in sight and you will again hear the cheers of your friends and family and they will celebrate your success. Another parade will commence in your honor, and then you will get on that float and wave. Beaming with pride that you did it. You. Alone. The one who had a dream in her heart and who wouldn’t let it die.

XOXO Ninya

PS. If you love these blog posts, help me keep the lights on and Doritos in the pantry for my teenager, by checking out one of my books below. There's something for everyone. "Velvet Guild" is naughty and explicit. (Erotic Romance), "Scotland with a Stranger" is a memoir of my trip to Scotland last May and "AnaStasia" is a parallel lives story (Women's Fiction) 

Velvet Guild

Friends Don't Let Friends Stay Vanilla

Desperate times…call for sexy solutions.

Aimee is panicking, feeling like a middle-aged failure, barely scraping by, raising a teenager alone. She is also a submissive who yearns to be dominated in the bedroom.

Scotland with a Stranger:A Memoir

“Who goes to Scotland for two weeks with a stranger they met over the internet?” 

At forty-three, Ninya was depressed, out of shape, and filled with crippling anxiety after addiction, cancer, and divorce had destroyed nearly everything. One day, she received a message from a stranger.


This is the story of one life, lived two different ways.

In one reality, “Stasia” is the beloved daughter of doting parents who spare no expense in supporting her ambition and talent. 

In another reality, “Ana” washes dishes at a nursing home to buy her carefully-budgeted art supplies, waiting until her alcoholic father passes out before creeping downstairs to paint.  

First You Then Him

A Former Trainwreck’s Guide to Becoming then Finding a Healthy Partner

Wish you had a big sister to take you by the hand to tell you why things aren’t working in your life?

After two decades of making all the wrong decisions when it came to life and men, Ninya has learned a lifetime of valuable lessons about both.

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