I have journaled for most of my life. For as long as I can remember it is a place for me to dump the stuff in my brain and clear it out so I can focus on other things. It also became a place to document the things that have happened so I could refer to them later. Traumatic events have a way of changing your brain. It goes into self preservation mode and hides painful memories and events. I have lost so many memories in my mind, but reading back over journal entries brings it back in that “Oh yeah, I remember that now. Man I have been through some shit. Cue ‘Eye of the Tiger’ “ way.

My journals have always been my Northstar. I would write on the page, I need to end this relationship, I am not happy, and then I would continue to suffer in it and toil painfully, turning the decision over and over in my mind. I would write, I need to focus on myself and then I would give everything away to everyone else. My journal and my mind were trying to tell me the right path and I didn’t listen, and so I stayed stuck for far too long and wasted so much time. Trusting your own intuition should be simple and easy. Those feelings you have that make your skin crawl or get you excited, those are messages from your intuition. The problem is that it’s easy to ignore intuition in favor of logic.

Logic is the voice that tells you to go to college, when really you want to write a book and travel. Logic tells you this guy is good enough and you will never find everything you want in one person. Logic says you are lucky to have this soul sucking job with health insurance. Logic scans the room for potential problems. It finds the path of least resistance and then weighs it against the acceptable payoff and conspires to keep you stuck in mediocrity. Logic is the path to okayness. Everything is okay. This is good enough. Let’s settle.

Intuition is logic’s sexy cousin, who smokes dope and wears flowing caftans. She floats through life and is fully and completely who she is and doesn’t apologize for it. Ease is natural because it comes from flow, so it is not about fighting against your true nature, it is discovering what your true nature is and accepting it fully. It is relaxing into the deepest expression of your own truthful existence here and being confident enough to follow where she leads.

Intuition wants to give you the people and experiences that gel with who you are and what you want, but sometimes is a bit out there and so logic pipes up and says, “Whoa Nelly, You can’t do that or have that. You have ‘sponsibilities.” So you compromise and often choose the safe route even though it will make your life harder in the long run. If you just listen. You already know, but you are afraid and paralyzed by fear. It’s easier to not do anything than to step out trusting your intuition to guide you and do the hard things. 

If you put too much weight on logic, your life become a series of settlings that collectively impact you and that is where the midlife crisis is born. You might think that one little logical decision is fine, but added up and compounded over time they completely change the trajectory of your life. Instead of ending up in sunny Paris, you’re in a dirty alley in Hell’s Kitchen. 

I am at a crossroads in my life professionally right now and I know in my heart I am a writer. I know this is the place I need to focus and place my intention and effort and so every morning I sit down and crank out pages, then go work a boring full time job for the ‘sponsiblities. Some of the pages are great, some so terrible and cringeworthy it physically hurts when I edit, but this feels natural to me. My intuition is telling me this is my path, this is what I need to do with my life, and so I will continue down this road and take the next step she sends me and see where that leads. I am trying to clamp my hand over logic’s mouth when he says, “There are a million writers out there already. What is the chance that you will actually be able to  have people pay to read anything you write?” He’s loud and obnoxious and tells me what I want is too risky. I have kids to feed. I’ve mastered the art of redirection and so I continue to walk down my path towards what I believe is my gift. Some days I skip down it, and some days I’m constantly looking over my shoulder for bandits on the road. I wish I could say that it is easy, but it’s not and that is kind of the point.

There is an underlying energy to everything. Everything is connected and to tap into this energy you just need to relax and trust and be open to where your intuition leads you.  Tell Logic to suck it and sit down and pass the peace pipe with intuition.

XOXO Ninya

PS. If you love these blog posts, help me keep the lights on and Doritos in the pantry for my teenager, by checking out one of my books below. There's something for everyone. "Velvet Guild" is naughty and explicit. (Erotic Romance), "Scotland with a Stranger" is a memoir of my trip to Scotland last May and "AnaStasia" is a parallel lives story (Women's Fiction) 

Velvet Guild

Friends Don't Let Friends Stay Vanilla

Desperate times…call for sexy solutions.

Aimee is panicking, feeling like a middle-aged failure, barely scraping by, raising a teenager alone. She is also a submissive who yearns to be dominated in the bedroom.

Scotland with a Stranger:A Memoir

“Who goes to Scotland for two weeks with a stranger they met over the internet?” 

At forty-three, Ninya was depressed, out of shape, and filled with crippling anxiety after addiction, cancer, and divorce had destroyed nearly everything. One day, she received a message from a stranger.

AnaStasia

This is the story of one life, lived two different ways.

In one reality, “Stasia” is the beloved daughter of doting parents who spare no expense in supporting her ambition and talent. 

In another reality, “Ana” washes dishes at a nursing home to buy her carefully-budgeted art supplies, waiting until her alcoholic father passes out before creeping downstairs to paint.  

First You Then Him

A Former Trainwreck’s Guide to Becoming then Finding a Healthy Partner

Wish you had a big sister to take you by the hand to tell you why things aren’t working in your life?

After two decades of making all the wrong decisions when it came to life and men, Ninya has learned a lifetime of valuable lessons about both.

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