A buzz phrase that is kicked around nearly constantly by the self-help gurus is “What is your why?” Your why will drive you when the initial excitement of the project wears off, it is the fire in your belly that sustains you to keep going when every door is slammed shut in your face and when all hope is lost.

My why is a big one. The biggest of them all. Last year, I took a job as a lunch lady, mostly for the easy hours and summers off so I could pursue my dream of being an author. The daily tasks are simple and gave me lots of time to think, lots of time to hatch plots, and to really think about the how and my why. I am the mother of two teenagers, who have felt the impact of my bad decisions and indecisiveness. Their lives have been difficult and as their mother I simply want to see them both happy, healthy, whole, and fully restored on the path of chasing their own dreams. So my why has become. “I will heal my children with the millions that I make.”

Millions? Yes. Millions. That part was for me. Being financially free, dependent on no one is my ultimate goal. A bit of a late bloomer over here, I am behind the eight ball on things like retirement, I haven’t had the ability to travel like I want, and I crave a solid stable home, but most of all I want to undo the damage I have done to my kids.

I want the resources to support them financially and in healthy ways. To be able to give them access to better resources to heal them and help them reach their own dreams. I want to be an angel investor in the aspirations of their own hearts. I want to invest in my own mental health and in theirs with tools that I know work, but that are currently out of reach for me financially.

So when things get dark for me, this is what I repeat, over and over, “I will heal my children with the millions that I make.” I chant it over and over. I did it last year, while I wiped dirty tables and sorted silverware, I chanted this phrase in my head. It is ingrained in my brain. It gets me out of bed each morning early and pushes me to advance the ball, to write more and market more, and make the connections I need to make to really be successful.

Networking as an introvert is nearly painful, but you know what is worse? Watching your kids struggle, knowing exactly what resources could help them, but being unable to provide them. That is what forces this girl out of her bubble and into the world to do the hard work of building an author platform person by person, and connection by connection. I cannot just sit idly by, I must act. I must create. I must succeed.

The pieces in my chessboard of life seem to finally be lining up for me in magical ways. I feel a change coming on, I feel the anticipation of my dreams finally coming true. It is such an exquisite perfection that is hard to articulate. People and opportunities are coming forward for me, they are flowing into my life with ease and it is a joy to behold.

I’m miles away from my why, but each day I flow closer to it, energized by the new life I am living. Doing the work daily and picking up momentum as the pieces fall into place. For the first time in a long time I am not fighting my way through life, but mostly flowing with it.

What is your why? What is something so big and so life-changing that accomplishing it would bring you your greatest heart’s desire? Think big. Dream big and add a little something for yourself. You deserve it.

XOXO Ninya

PS. If you love these blog posts, help me keep the lights on and Doritos in the pantry for my teenager, by checking out one of my books below. There's something for everyone. "Velvet Guild" is naughty and explicit. (Erotic Romance), "Scotland with a Stranger" is a memoir of my trip to Scotland last May and "AnaStasia" is a parallel lives story (Women's Fiction) 

Velvet Guild

Friends Don't Let Friends Stay Vanilla

Desperate times…call for sexy solutions.

Aimee is panicking, feeling like a middle-aged failure, barely scraping by, raising a teenager alone. She is also a submissive who yearns to be dominated in the bedroom.

Could she introduce couples to the BDSM lifestyle through a house party format? Instead of game night, it could be blindfolds and bite marks.

Scotland with a Stranger:A Memoir

“Who goes to Scotland for two weeks with a stranger they met over the internet?   I did.” 

At forty-three, Ninya was depressed, out of shape, and filled with crippling anxiety after addiction, cancer, and divorce had destroyed nearly everything. One day, she received a message from a stranger. This woman offered to lead her on a self-healing trip hiking through the Scottish highlands.

It seemed like a sign.


This is the story of one life, lived two different ways.

In one reality, “Stasia” is the beloved daughter of doting parents who spare no expense in supporting her ambition and talent.  Adoring not just their daughter but also one another, their home is full of celebration, warmth and love. 

In another reality, “Ana” washes dishes at a nursing home to buy her carefully-budgeted art supplies, waiting until her alcoholic father passes out before creeping downstairs to paint.  Ana must survive her father’s nightly verbal abuse without any help from her silent, cowed mother, until she can retreat to the only place she feels safe, in front of her easel. 

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